Ozzfest 2005: A Survivor's Story

San Bernardino, Saturday, August 20th, 2005.

Think of it as a pilgrimage for heavy-metal enthusiasts. All the hot acts from the current metal scene, along with two of the biggest names in all of metal’s history. Twelve hours of moshing, drinking, sweating, and pure, unadulterated musical distortion.

Turns out it was more of a freak show than anything else, bands included. Braving the blazing heat in the desert-like surroundings came 40,000-odd freaks of nature. Each trying to outdo the other on the freakiness scale. My definition of extreme dressing had to be hastily redefined to accommodate what I saw that day.

It’s pretty sad however, the way corporate America has cashed in on the underground counterculture that probably thinks it’s the anti-thesis to pop music. Most of the bands have horribly similar-sounding names (The Black Dahlia Murder, Bury Your Dead, As I Lay Dying, A Dozen Furies, It Dies Today), and what’s worse, very similar-sounding music. The only difference here is that all the angst-ridden metal fans wear more body piercing and smoke more weed than the average estranged and/or disaffected teenager who listens to mainstream music.

"Tickets? That’ll be $45."
*cha-ching!*

"Chicken burrito and a soda? $11, sir."
*cha-ching!*

"Black Sabbath t-shirt? $35 please."
*cha-ching!*

Sigh.

Anyway, back to the music itself. The first half of the day was absolute crap. The music just had no personality. Vocalist screaming his lungs out, guitars & bass flinging out hundreds of notes a second, and drums continually in double-bass mode. No variation, no creativity, no experimentation. Why would they care anyway? They had legions of fans moshing in front of the stage. And what more could a live band want, besides crowd response?

Or was it that? Being in the middle of three moshpits converging on me, I can confirm that they’re more about who can "mosh" better; who can show his passion for the music better than anyone else – nevermind if he or she (yup, moshing isn’t exclusive to males) doesn’t even know the band or understands the music. There was a dude in the moshpit who had his 10-year old son along for the ride, as if to promise the world that his son would grow up to be a mindless headbanging minion slave to the power of metal.

And what is it with the women who come to these shows? Amidst unanimous chants of "Show your tits! Show your tits!" they’d be more than eager to display their goods to the hungry eyes of the crowd. Of course, whenever something like this happened, the entire crowd surrounding the woman in question would suddenly have their camera phones out in a flash, clicking away merrily. Hmm, so that's what camera phones are for.

There was this one middle-aged lady who was probably feeling left out of all the goings-on, and thus, without even a formal request from the crowd, she proceeded to lift her top beyond the limits of decency, ostensibly in an effort to redirect some of the crowd’s attention her way. Much to her surprise, the crowd started booing her! Someone even shouted: "Check it out, MILF gone bad, hahahaa!!" Poor lady must’ve been scarred for life after that. My guess is she may be considering a sex-change operation sometime soon.

And then there were other crazy women too, all scantily clad, mind you, who’d be wearing nothing but hot pants and body paint covering the nippular areas. And no, that’s not why they’re crazy, not in a place like this. Over here that’s considered normal. There were these two women dressed (or undressed, you decide) as mentioned above, and as they were trundling merrily along, enjoying the stares and cheers of the crowd, they chanced upon a poor candy-seller.

"Hey candyman, can we get free candy?"

Which was obviously understood as:
"Hey candyman, you got a penis and you can see our titties, so therefore we are entitled to free candy under Article 204 Section 4(a) of the Ozzfest constitution."

The poor bastard, he hmm’ed and haww’ed for a few seconds, his brain and his penis in a desperate struggle for the largest share of oxygenated blood flowing through his system.

The women were not about to be snubbed by a lowly candyman. They began to hop furiously, causing their mammaries to jiggle violently, thus invoking Article 204 Section 4(b), which condemns the offender of Article 204 Section 4(a) to hell if he refuses to bow down to the demands of the said women.

It was a no-contest. His brain relented and he sheepishly handed over the candy without even a murmur about payment.

By now the bands on the main stage were in full swing, and many of them were quite good, thankfully, otherwise I’d have wanted my money back. First up was a band called "In Flames" from Sweden, and immediately you could discern the Scandinavian flavour of metal they were dishing out. After In Flames came Zakk Wylde’s project, "Black Label Society". I’ve read on the internet that they play a distinct brand of southern-rock-meets-biker-attitude metal, and that description hit the nail on the head. Zakk Wylde is an amazing guitarist, props to him for his virtuosity and individuality.

There were a few more American bands up next, Mudvayne, Slipknot, and Shadows Fall. Their sole intent seems to be to display how twisted and scary metal can be. I mean, come on! It’s supposed to be about the music, not the image or the costumes and masks that the band members wear!!

But enough about all that. I was really here to see Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath in their original incarnations (read original line-ups). And it couldn’t have come any sooner; by all accounts, Ozzy Osbourne is going to croak any second.

Iron Maiden’s began their set with "Murders In The Rue Morgue", a track off their second album "Killers". It was unbelievable; the stage presence of the entire band and the set itself – they had a huge image of the album cover hanging in the background – making everything seem larger-than-life.

Unfortunately, things went downhill from there. While they continued with a superb setlist including "The Trooper", "Phantom Of The Opera", "Running Free" and "The Number Of The Beast", lead vocalist Bruce Dickinson was being pelted by eggs and other paraphernalia by tour organizers and some bands who were right in front of the stage; apparently this was a reaction to a long-standing feud between Bruce and Ozzy. They even turned off the entire sound system during key moments in the set, leaving the entire band clueless in the middle of some of their most famous songs. I was so fucking pissed off. But Bruce and his band mates put on a brave face; they resumed each time and completed their setlist as planned. I’m really thankful they didn’t go off the stage prematurely.

And so now the time had come for the granddaddies of all of rock to take the stage. The instant Ozzy’s voice came through on the sound system, you could almost feel the evil pouring out of his soul from behind the mocking smile permanently plastered on his face.

After the initial evil cackling, he spoke:

"How’s everybody doing?"
"Smells pretty good from where I’m standing! You guys like weed, eh?"

The setlist itself was unreal. "War Pigs", "Paranoid", "Fairies Wear Boots", "NIB", although probably not in that order, but you get my drift. This was classic Sabbath, performed by the classic Sabbath line-up.

Ozzy himself wasn’t at his best, but give the guy a break, he’s so damn old! And anyway, there’s little he can do wrong. If you’re a politician, any transgression in the public eye is fatal, but if you’re Ozzy Osbourne, your reputation is built on transgressions in the public eye. He continued his usual antics on stage, pottering around like a madman, throwing buckets of water into the crowd, hopping like a frog, and clapping like an octogenarian.

In contrast, the rest of the band was on fire! When the sound of falling rain and the church bell signaled the start of "Black Sabbath", the entire crowd brought out their cigarette lighters, and I swear to God the earth shook as Iommi’s first crushingly oppressive chord tore through the air. Sabbath proves that you don’t have to be fast to be heavy and you don’t have to wear masks and costumes to be evil. Aspiring musicians, take note.

This is Ozzfest’s 10th anniversary, and I don’t see it continuing, atleast not with Ozzy or Black Sabbath. So I reckon it was totally worth it, braving the heat, spending all that cash, and driving 120 miles there and back. It’s all good :-)